Impermanence and Acceptance

Never in my life did I expect to be as busy as I am nowadays. Before I started school at Humber College for Radio Broadcasting, I was heavily involved in yoga. I was practicing up to six times a week, every single morning, building strength and flexibility with the guidance of my teachers. I was also teaching part time as well as working at a restaurant and taking on background work in Toronto's Film and TV Industry. Seems busy, but it was comfortable and steady. When there was no film work, I was still supported by the safety net of the restaurant and teaching yoga part time. However, something drew me to radio. What exactly? I have absolutely no idea. Possibly the notion of actually going to post-secondary school, or the fact that I grew up listening to the radio and it helped me out at various tough parts of my life. I'll go with the second one. It seems more noble.

Before starting school, I was slightly deceived by all these "go to college, it's easy! You can still do everything you normally do" ads you'd see everywhere online and hear about on the radio. With the Radio Broadcasting program at Humber College, this was definitely not the case. Since it started, the program has eaten up ridiculous amounts of time. Between assignments, time spent in class and actually getting hired by a radio station to do traffic reports overnights, I've stayed awake for over twenty four hours a few too many times than I actually care to remember. Days have blended into one another, nights consisting of three to five hours of sleep have more or less become a bit of a norm. Overall, it's been a bit of a mess at times to say the least. My body, mind and spirit have all been repeatedly put to the test and pushed past their limits. I've wanted to quit, run away to a small town, shave my head and change my name SO MANY TIMES. In fact, while finishing writing this at roughly 7am after being up all night, having two interviews later today as well as an overnight radio shift starting at 10pm, I want to do nothing more than curl up in a ball, sleep for seventeen years and ball my eyes out. However, here I am doing my best to keep on keeping on.

But how does this all relate to impermanence and acceptance? Well, let's circle back to the whole yoga thing. That was the most difficult part of my life before school to adjust to. Simply put, because of school it has been difficult to maintain a consistent practice at the same caliber that that my practice was at before getting into school. As school started getting busier, and busier, I knew for a fact that I would have to adjust my practice accordingly. six days a week slowly turned into four, which slowly turned into less, and finally have gone down to "I hope I get to practice at least once this week."

Accepting that has by far been the most difficult task I've been dealing with. My yoga practice has been my strength. It's been my private space away from everyone and everything. It's been the refuge I sought in order to clear my head and focus on my goals. Not having time or energy to go about my regular, old practice has definitely changed me in a physical sense. I've lost strength, I've lost stamina and my posture and balance are slowly slipping from me as well.

I could write this entire blog about being sappy, and mopey and slightly resentful towards myself and the lack of physical standard I once held myself to. However, as mentioned earlier, yoga is my sanctuary in which I really focus on my goals and what I want out of life. Radio has been one of my goals. So, to give up this late in the game would be a little foolish to say the least. It would be like running 80% of a race, seeing the finish line in the distance and going, "well! I've done enough. I'm just gonna stop."

No.

I can't do that. I'm too far in the game, and I've invested too much of my efforts and time into the program in order to give up now. So what do I do with my practice? My strength? My personal quiet space? Well, I keep on. Just, at a lesser rate. I noticed that my practice has shifted from something incredibly active and vigorous, to something a lot more dialled back and therapeutic. Being a student and working in radio involves a lot more sitting than I ever expected. Sure, I'll stand when actually saying words into the mic to be broadcast, but it's everything in between being on air that is the real problem. Sitting, sitting, sitting, sitting, sitting. Inactivity, inactivity, inactivity. It's gotten so bad that due to lack of activity, I messed up the exceptional posture I once proudly boasted, and injured my shoulder. To add insult to injury, these injuries haven't even been because of anything cool like fighting a bear or walking away from a spectacular car wreckage completely unscathed. No, I injured myself by putting on and excessively wearing a knapsack! How uncool is that?! I went from regularly being able to support all my body weight on my palms, standing on my head and learning how to stand up from being in a full out backbend to injuring myself while putting on a bag!

But if there's one thing that I really learned through my practice it is that everything is impermanent. This time period in my life, it shall pass. The pain in my shoulder, it shall pass. The mild kyphosis in my cervical and thoracic spine shall be fixed once my schedule actually becomes consistent and I'm on the mat more. Therefore, it shall pass. The feeling of impermanence has granted me a great amount of hope. Every time I looked in the mirror and went, "well, that all used to look different!" Impermanence has stepped in and said, it shall pass.

I've accepted where I am at, and acknowledged what I am fighting for. I still physically practice yoga, but in a much different sense than before. I'll still mindfully stretch out my hamstrings after a lengthy sitting session. I'll continue to restore my body by putting my feet up the wall at the end of a long day to get all the blood flowing back up toward my brain. I still do the best that I can nowadays to "damage control" the inconsistent school/life/work schedule that I deal with on a daily basis with my knowledge and practice of yoga. I'm mindful of my breath. I make efforts to actually get full practices in whenever I can, and most of all, I carry the knowledge that this too shall pass.

As much as I absolutely adored being able to practice yoga six days a week, diving deeper into the practice, and learning things I never thought I'd be able to do, I acknowledge and have made peace with the fact that I'm not fully in a position at this time that I can commit to practice as deeply as I have committed to in the past. What I must remember to do is be thankful for all that I already have. I must seize every moment that I get. Ultimately, my practice still affects me every day. It's more than just a physical combination of stretches and postures. It's mindset. A mentality if you will. By living out that mentality, and continuing to try and be the absolute best version of what I can be given my current limitations, I believe it's only a matter of time before I make the come back to the practice. This time, stronger than the last.

Finally resting after a long stretch of grinding out assignments and working overnights